2 weddings and 2 deaths
It has been a minute .. a long minute. I took a break from writing because of the pressure of views, engagement yada yada.. all that bull shit and now I am stuck in a condo, drugged up, a little dizzy (cold medication) , confused, tired, annoyed, and lost.
I do not do well with emotions despite being a Pisces .. just like I do not do well with grammar or punctuation.
It has definitely been an emotional rollercoaster the last few months.
It has been a pattern of a wedding followed by a death.
I have never been into weddings. Don't get me wrong I am super happy for the newlyweds, but I am not like the was societies deems a "normal" girl who has dreamed of her wedding since she was young. I was more of the girl who dreamed of owning a nice home, with a career she loves, a closet the size of a master bedroom and having dogs running around in the garden.
As for the deaths... I have never lost anyone close to me, suddenly or slowly. They say suddenly is harder because you did not get a chance to say bye, but slowly is just as hard. Seeing someone in pain, a fraction of who they are. Both suddenly and slowly is a unjust way to pass.
I am not one to share how I feel, and when someone tries to pull my feeling out of me it will never end well. I am not one that can be forced to do or express something I do not want to- I am stubborn in some senses and I am okay with that! You shouldn't be forced to talk about something you are not ready too.
I have always found it easier to write how I feel rather than to talk about it. Which is what I miss about blogging. The few that do read my blog, who reach out to me, who can share their stories in the comments I miss that, that connection. The best part is you read my posts! Even with the horrible spelling and grammar :)
I never really get sad, I get mad.. I once found out that in B.C. they were putting a dog to sleep because it attacked someone. The article said that the owner neglected to train it. It is never the dogs fault but the owners ! There are no bad dogs, it's a lack of training. Obviously I was so mad. I called the Court found out who the judge was on the case called him... a few times as his secretary continued to tell me no I can not speak to him, and the decision has been made on the case. My mum was not happy with the extra phone charges because apparently I called the Court House 20 times... to plead my case. I also asked for the judges email to write a letter. His receptionist was quit persistent on hanging up on me.
I realized I am someone who just wants to fix it instead of realizing how I feel.
Even with the passing of a few people close to me, my first response was how can I fix this. But you can't fix it. Once someone is gone, or dying that's kinda it... and that sucks. You can not fix it for them, for their families or for your self. It is what it is, until it isn't.
And then the weddings! Where everyone is so happy, lively, dancing around. For someone like me who prides themselves on being dead inside it is sooo fucken draining to go from one emotion of sad, angry, confused, not being able to fix peoples pain to all of a sudden happy, dancing, drinking, excited, joyful.
Emotions are draining as fuck.... especially when you are not good at expressing them. Also, when you are waiting for someone to pass because they are ill, but are still attending weddings yada yada.
I feel like I have had the privilege of ignoring my emotions for so long that now the world is like its time to face them. And when it rains, it pours- it has been one thing after another and I feel like I have whiplash!
I know this is a part of life... but I would like to ignore this part of life and go back to the part were I can fix things, and everyone can be happy and stress free - like at weddings. The part were the family group chat is happy and not just "finally some good news".
But I guess that's why people say you do not know true happiness unless you have faced true sandiness.
I think its important to let people process and deal with things how they wish too. Everyone deals with things differently, and that is okay. You can not force someone to speak how they feel, or deal with things exactly how you would. We all have our own process! We are all different and go about dealing with things differently.
Some cry when they are happy, and some some smile. Grieving is no different. Some stay silent and process within, some cry out loud.
When you are going through all these emotions for the first time it just means you are learning more about yourself. I never knew how I would feel while grieving a sudden loss, or a loss that is slow.
The same goes for healing from loss . There is no timeline . Each person is allowed to take as much time as they need, to feel confused, to process how they need to. Then one day when you attend a wedding you will find yourself smiling again. You will remember its okay to feel sad one day and happy the next, because that's what life is, its emotions you're supposed to feel something. To feel something means you care.