the shit i say to my psychologist
I have been seeing a psychologist for a while now, about a few years. Over the years I feel like my psychologist is more of a friend. Except that she is a doctor that I talk to once in a while, I rant to her and she shares nothing about her life with me.
She has heard some outrageous things from me. From my stupidity on a day-to-day level to staying with a boyfriend that I should of broken up with a long time ago ( that was a long one for her) to my childhood "trauma" growing up and life events that have happened as I have grown up.
The poor woman I am sure has wanted to strangle me over the stupid shit I let people get away with. Clearly, that is no more. I have made life changes to better myself, have better people around me and have taken steps for a healthy mind.
I am always one for a plan, to make a plan and to make moves to achieve it. This year that is proving to be so hard in all aspects of my life. I am trying to attain opportunities, network, have great people around me and even with Lolas health, I am trying to figure out how to get her stable. While I am trying to do all this I feel as if the world is holding me back, regardless of how much I try to push forward.
There is a lot in my life that is up in the air, not stable, that I want to change. As humans we want stability in: work, relationships, friendships etc.. At this point in my life I feel that I am not getting stability from any aspect of my life.
To be honest, I need more. From my next job I need a healthy work environment, were I am valued, respected and there is room to grow, while feeding my creativity. For Lola I need to cut what is not working and find new things - hemp oil? adding turmeric to her diet ? to help her allergies, anxiety and God knows what other health issues she has. Relationships I need to be able to feel secure in knowing that the people I allow into my life are on the same page as me, and to not be afraid of asking are you on the same page as me? In general I need to put my foot down. This I have done at work , due to them taking advantage of me. However, I need to do this when in public too. Even for appointments, I feel because I am so nice people take advantage of that when they should be appreciating that. They will squeeze someone in before me, or they will always be running an hour late. Which means they are wasting my time, not respecting my time or me.
For my self personally. I need a break. My skin is the worst it has been since middle school. I have red zits, cystic outbreaks and they are bruising my face (TMI, but idc). I would also loveeeeee sleep! Lola will walk me up in the middle of the night screaming and crying itching and biting her self. Yes, I have been to multiple doctors, hospitals and they all say anxiety and allergies. And yes I have done my own research. I have read everything!!!! in hopes to try to figure out what is wrong and I have paid for all these tests too.
How I started the session
I was calm and then as I started to really dive in that is when I lost my shit.
*Tip: Before going for an apportionment the day before I will reflect on all that has happened that I want to talk about. I will jot it down. A lot can happen from appointment to appointment so it is good to reflect before hand to get the most out of your appointment.
I started voicing all that I felt. That I am being held back while making moves to elevate my life. My psychologist said : "you have your head in the right place, you are asking your self all the right questions and making moves. Just think of this as a shitty chapter in your life, it is just a chapter, ever chapter ends. Your last chapter was wayyy shitter then this one, with your ex, and that ended."
I told her: " Ya but I feel like in this shitty chapter the shit is sticking to me. I am trying to pull it off but it will not come off. And if I do get it off three more shits appear in its place. And there is just shit everywhere and the shit is confusing as fuck. And the shit is also poping up as zits on my shitty face. It is just too much shitty shit."
All she could do after that was laugh and be reassuring. Granted this is not the hardest thing I have been through in life. I have never been a fan of not knowing, the uncertainty. But that is life. Nothing is guaranteed or promised. I have always wanted to know how thing will end to insure I am making the right choices today.
But that is not how life works. I have to accept that and keep moving forward.
I had this session before the car accident ...So stay tuned for how that venting session goes...