Lets be clear right off the bat. This article is not just on how to deal with people on the aggressive scale of being a narcissist and manipulators. Sometimes people just consistently make you feel: unsafe, shitty, put you down. Boundaries can be implemented no matter the type of person you are dealing with.
Boundaries are to protect you, your mental health and well-being without effecting someone else. Yes, they may at first find the shift weird, unsettling but they will get used to it. Just like how at a certain point you got used to them making you feel like shit. However, you are being responsible and respectful, by implementing a healthy boundary that will not negatively effect them.
We never want to do to other what they did to us, its about being the better person and protecting ourselves in a respectful way.
My Wellness Goal This Month
Last year I made the goal to take this year slow, enjoy each moment, be present, and every month to set a new intention or goal.
I talk more about this on the blog post that you can read here: It's time for a life edit - how to manifest your 2024
This is something that you do not need to start at the beginning of the year. You can do this at anytime! You do not have to wait for a new year to change your life!
My goal this month is :BOUNDARIES!
My Wellness Plan for this Year - Steps To Follow
Back Story
I believe in reflection, making changes, assessing the progress of those changes and then being consistent with that.
This can be personal goals, work goals, gym etc...
My Wellness Plan for this Year:
Every month I will pick one thing to focus on:
That I want to change or work-on.
By choosing one thing it helps you to stay consistent, create a routine, assess and see your progress, and be able to reflect.
I am the worst at putting so much on my to do list. So, for me to keep January's goal strong into February while having a new goal in February, because I have been consistent in January for a whole month! It is now easier to keep that going while I start a new goal, because I took the time to set a good unbreakable foundation.
How I will achieve this
I write everything down in a book, and I will look at it everyday or whenever I feel I need to.
These are the questions I will ask myself every month, and reflect back to. I found these questions on Pinterest.
What was my breaking point
This month the goal was to set boundaries. I noticed at work, with family sometimes we just stay quiet to keep the peace, because some people are not open to communicating. Even if they are they sometimes they just think they are right, no matter what, and disregard how they make you feel.
I thought that staying quiet and not sticking up for myself was the best option. To keep the peace. But it was destroying my inner peace. I have tried multiple times with certain people to talk to them calmly, in a professional manner, but some people are like a dog with a bone. They think they are right and anything you say is invalid, it is just them and their needs.
Before I stayed quiet I did stick up for myself a lot, but it just added fuel to the fire, it enraged people. I am always one to talk calmly, respectfully and communicate with an open mind. That is just who I am, I do not see the point in getting angry it just makes you look ...frankly immature and you seem so disrespectful. That is not who I am, or want to be.
I made the intention to step back from this relationship. I noticed that people were not giving me what I was giving them. Some people will give you 10 % niceness and the rest is belittling you. That 10% is how they manipulate you into thinking - well they are not bad all the time, they do not make me feel like shit all the time, and you hold onto that which is so unhealthy.
Sometimes you have to work with people, you have to see them at family dinners whatever the case maybe. That is when a boundary needs to be in place.
I have learned to keep is civil and nothing more. I do not need to be your friend anymore because a friend doesn't treat me this way, when I only wanted us to get along - because being respectful, thoughtful with your words, thoughtful with your facial expressions, that makes life easier for everyone, it creates a safe space. This person has not helped to create that... and I found myself becoming like this person. That was when I took a step back, and said my grandparents would be disgusted to see this behaviour.
Birds of a feather flock together.
I would rather fly alone with my morals and ethics, being true to who I am then to be with people that make me feel horrible about myself , and I start to morph into.
STEPS TO TAKE
When you take a step back to assess what needs to be changed :
Take a step-back, right down how this person makes you feel when you are around them. How your body reacts, how you feel thinking about them when they are not physically there with you. The situations or things they have said to you that has made you feel a certain way.
How to set boundaries:
Either remove them entirely or if you can not fully cut them off that will be where boundaries need to happen.
You do not need to tell them, just take a step-back.
You do not need to offer up the first line of communication.
If they have said something that made you feel uncomfortable. Ask them to repeat it, they will know they said something inappropriate.
If they have said something that made you feel uncomfortable in a group setting, walk away.
You do not owe them an answer as to why you ''seem different''
Practice detachment, they no longer affect you. They are not a high value person, therefore their opinion of you should not have any value to you.
Once you set boundaries:
They will notice a difference. Setting boundaries is not where you are mean to them or ignore them . It is just altering the status of the relationship. If you are at work you do not need to be telling this person everything about your life. Keep it to hi, how are you. Or even just work tasks. Even with family keep it surface level.
Be consistent:
Manipulators and narcissists, will try to lour you back in - they give you 10% and take 90% remember that. 10% being nice, 90% making you feel anxious, on edge etc..
Self reflect:
I did a end of day, week reflection.
How did I feel after implementing this boundary ?
How did my body react?
How is my sleep?
How is my anxiety? When I am around or think of this person?
How my Goal went, did it work?
I was not anxious to be in the environment anymore. Were as before I would mess up a lot in this persons presence because I know they always had something to say if it was not done their way. It became to the point were if I was doing things alone I was fine everything went smoothly, and I enjoyed my time in this environment.
I used to have twitches... I saw multiple neurologists. I thought it had to do with my car accidents, maybe a very late late side effect. They said it was do to stress. These ticks if I pin point it back it did start a few months into being around this person.
I have been keeping track of these ticks for my own knowledge to see what it is related to. They are quite embarrassing, I have no control over them. However, ever since I started this boundary I have not had one single tick! It has been a whole month! Normally I would have a minimum of 5 a day.
Sleep- I do not dread being in this environment anymore. I am starting to enjoy the environment again. I am not dreading going so I am able to fall asleep and not be pacing at 3a.m.
I think that is because by setting this boundary you are taking back your control. Whereas before this person thrived on having control over you, being able to say whatever about you, treat you however they want, roll their eyes at you, make you feel anxious.
I will be doing a similar style of blog post for my February. I want to continue this wellness journey of setting a new goal, intention each month! So, I hope you found this helpful, comment and let me know your thoughts!
Like I said I love to write these intentions and goals down.
Here are some cute notebooks, we love an aesthetic!